a large crowd of hypnotized people stand at the bottom of a massive staircase chanting "it's slinky,it's slinky" Merchant and Katlin walk over and join them. two giant slinky sit atop the stairway readying to "walk down the stairs alone or in pairs" you(who are Lil'C since this is being told from his perspective for now) do not know which.four of the smaller gruesomely slinky-esque monsters guard an elevator that goes up the side of the staircase.you don't know whats about to happen but you know you need to stop it.

So i yell I AM A SPARTAN and throw a flaming homeless person at it, but suddenly the kool-aid man jumps through the wall and yells___

"you have to wake up!"
"what?i'm not asleep.didn't you just see me throw that homeless person?"
"think about it where did that hobo come from?and how did you throw it with no arms?"
"your right this must be a dream.how do i wake up?"
"we have to shock you awake"and he throws you into the air and catches you in himself.and you sink to the bottom,you swim to the top and when you brake the surface you find that you have awoken inside of one of the small slinky monsters.
your middle head turns left and right and says"ok boys you know what to do."CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMPY CHOMP CHOMP....
and when you are done chomping all four of the small monsters are gone,and so is the elevator...but the cable is still there so..CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP..but once you CHOMP your way up it to the top you see not only the two giant slinky but also...

another kool-aid man, but he is wearing a jetpack and a sign that says will work for food (so thats where the homeless person came from) unfortunatly for you...

He has a can of "Diminutive Demon-Dog Deterrent" Guaranteed effective against all mini-Cerberus type canine critters. (that means you). In other words, you can't get anywhere near him - like a solid dome with a 30 foot radius. You've been deterred, detained, degraded, and demoted in threat level (to a minor, as opposed to a major, threat).

So now what?

you fart and it smells like a...

an idea!you use your mirrored goggles to focus light onto the kool-aid mans jet pack and it explodes in a rain of sugar free fruit juice substitute.the gentle red mist fills the air and starts to snap all the hypnotized people back to normal.but the explosion also sets the slinkys in motion down the stairs and the people are still trying to figure out whats going on and don't notice that slinkys are about walk over them.your too far away to warn them and the slinkys are moving too fast for you to beat them down the stairs and just when you think theres no hope there is a blinding flash of light and once you can see again you look down the stairs and see everyones real favorite toy...
It's Log,Log,Log!!!

it's holding back the slinkys and it yells to you "get these people out of here!"
you run down the stairs and slip past the Log/Slinky confrontation and lead the people out right as the Slinkys and Log all fall down the stairs and land with such a violent shock that it causes the building to collapse.

But put of no-where the hero from Fable appears and uses a spell to save everyone, next he uses a spell to take away your extra heads and you become the dog in Fable II living a seemingly happy life, but all is not as it seems...

you panic and try to run but hit an invisible wall.after hitting the wall you get a brief moment of clarity and see it was not an invisible wall but one of brick,that your heads are still there ,the Fable hero is not and that the purple wheat has overrun the city and spread a hallucinogenic cloud of purple pollen.you slip back into the hallucination.
Katlin runs over to you " Lil'C are you are you ok?why did you run into that wall?"
"you can see the wall?"
"yea can't you?"
"and i guess you don't see the Fable man."
"no.all i see is this weird purple wheat."
"then you must be immune to the pollen.your beard must filter it out of your air."
"so I'm the only one who can see whats real?"
"looks that way"
Merchant walks over poking the air saying "get back here you dough boy i'm not through with you yet"
"Lil'C do you see a dough boy?"
"no,do you?"
"no,you all must be seeing different things.Merchant will you stop poking the air!!!"
"but i'm not poking air i'm poking the dough boy.."he pokes the air again and giggles in childish delight.
"there is no dough boy, its just that weird purple wheat making you see things"
"so hes not real?then i don't have to feel guilty about This!"you see him mime opening an oven, pushing the dough boy in,putting on oven-mitts,takeing him out and eating him.

Then you see the main charecter from second sight appears, for some reason he to is immune to the purple wheat, he tells you his real real name is Josh, just josh and you and he go on a quest to...

Figure out how the hell to get back to the main plot line...

Plot line? What in the world is HE talking about? you shake your head confusedly. Guy must be nuts or something. Looks like he's just out of a psych ward anyway. Poor guy.

"We MUST return to the proper plot line, or all will be lost in a muddied haze of madness!" Josh looks desperate, and just then, as if to confirm the imminent onset of insanity, Merchant begins to sing:

Oh.... There's a scratch on the diamond on the collar on the flea on the hair on the wart on the frog on the log in the hole in the ground in the bottom of the sea! There's a scratch on the diamond on the collar on the flea on the hair on the wart on the frog on the log in the hole in the ground in the bottom of the sea! There's a scratch - on the diamond - There's a scratch on the diamond on the collar on the flea on the hair on the wart on the frog on the log in the hole in the ground in the bottom of the sea!!

then Josh sees something poking out of a manhole,it's a gopher wearing a army helmet and holding a confusion ray.Josh says "come-on lads!lets get'em" then him and and all the people from the slinky warehouse except Merchant,Katlin and Lil'C chase it down the hole and a few minutes after they all go down the hole there is an explosion and a cloud of smoke and gopher fur rises up from the manhole and the purple fog disappears.

**blink, blink**
----Perspective Change----
**blink, blink**

Suddenly, as if waking from a dream, you (Merchant - as the story is now seen once again through the eyes of the sometimes-humorous-human male) blink repeatedly and shake your head, trying to clear the effects of a waking dream? nightmare? hypnosis? whatever... You look around, and notice that Katlin seems to be shaking off similar symptoms. You also notice what looks like... gopher fur??? ... floating down back towards the vicinity of the gopher holes out of which it most probably (or so you deduce) came. You decide you don't even want to know what that was all about. Some things are better left unasked...

Just then, one of Lil'C's heads appears over the ridge of the gopher hole, quickly followed by the other two heads and finally the body of the demon dog as well. Lil'C shakes off dirt, fur, and what looks like bits of that old, annoying purple glowing wheat. He walks up to you wearily, blinks three sets of eyes at you, and promptly collapses - already snoring before any of his heads even hit the ground. Katlin starts to run towards him, but you signal her to let it be. "Let him rest, he can tell us all about what happened later. For now, he's sleeping, and that's probably the best thing for him right now," you point out quietly to her. She nods her head in agreement, and, deciding that, for all that you have no recollection of what had been going on in the past ... however long it was since you last remembered anything ... you also could probably use some real rest. So, deciding that Lil'C had set a fine example, you (and at your suggestion, Katlin as well) settle down and go to sleep.


-- -- --


Morning. Light streams in. You wake up to the feel of the warmth of the sun on your face - just a sliver of light, but it was directly hitting your sleeping form. Awake, and noting that everything seems to be okay (which is to say, no new dangers immediately evident), you wait patiently for the others to wake up. Upon awakening, Lil'C looks at you and, seeing your expression (your face seems to be silently demanding - "okay Lil'C, what the heck has been going on here?!?), he blinks a few times, groans, shakes his head, and simply says, "Oy Vey!" in a martyred tone.

{out of character/story}
I'd just like to point out that this thread has reached epic proportions. After all this work you guys should download SUDS and collaborate on stream of consciousness a text adventure. http://www.sudslore.org/
{end transmisison}

And suddenly you remember what happened last night before your hangover... you somehow have obtained Lil'C until Katlin gets back through a poker bet, Katlin went to colledge for the next few months ( she is THAT smart), and on your way home Lil'C obtained talking POWERS!!! (aparently he is scottish, and whether or not he could before is unknown by you), as you eat breakfast in front of the TV you hear that the Purple wheat was just a distraction so the pig cops could abduct the Taco-Bell dog, and that the giant slinkies are now somehow attacking the outer walls of the city... You also remember that you have been stock piling weapons from various video game your entire life. Lil'C (who end up being a 3 headed chicuaha with 3 beards and a brother of littlest chuthulu) Tells you that you have the ability to randomly switch bodies but you cannot control it (taht explainsall the supposed dream sequences) and just as you are about to head out the door and are sure that this is not another dream, a gopher with a army hat and a bazooka breaks in and says to you...

skullkan wrote: And suddenly you remember what happened last night before your hangover... you somehow have obtained Lil'C until Katlin gets back through a poker bet, Katlin went to colledge for the next few months ( she is THAT smart), and on your way home Lil'C obtained talking POWERS!!! (aparently he is scottish, and whether or not he could before is unknown by you), as you eat breakfast in front of the TV you hear that the Purple wheat was just a distraction so the pig cops could abduct the Taco-Bell dog, and that the giant slinkies are now somehow attacking the outer walls of the city... You also remember that you have been stock piling weapons from various video game your entire life. Lil'C (who end up being a 3 headed chicuaha with 3 beards and a brother of littlest chuthulu) Tells you that you have the ability to randomly switch bodies but you cannot control it (taht explainsall the supposed dream sequences) and just as you are about to head out the door and are sure that this is not another dream, a gopher with a army hat and a bazooka breaks in and says to you...

too..much..nonsensicalness..can't under stand...what???????
i move that this be stricken from the record as an alternate time line of a alternate dimension and should therefore be ignored.

and as you turn around the corner you see that you are finally at the Sand Man's citadel,you cautiously walk up to the giant double wooden doors "well i don't suppose that its(click)open..."you say as you pull on the handle and the door easily swings open.
"that was too easy"Katlin says"it must be a trap"
"but maybe the real trap is that it's not a trap" you interpose "lets go in,but be careful".
you walk leerily down a narrow stone walled corridor,the walls lined with suits of armor.
you hear a "chink" sound,you turn and see Katlin hanging from a trap door "little help" she asks.you try to pull her up but some unseen force is pulling her down into the dark hole "Lil'C help me pull her up"
"oh come-on merchant i'm not that fat"
"it's not that,there's something pulling you down"
you grab one arm and Lil'C grabs the sleeve on the other and you both pull with all your might but can't bring her up.
"you can't save me can you.."she says as she turns her head away so you can't see the tears welling up in her eyes but you can still her her voice dripping with disappointment and sorrow.
"no it's gonna be fine, we can still get you out of this we just need some time to think of something" and then as if to mock your plea for time the hallway begins to shake, dust and pebbles fall from the ceiling,the suits of armor lower their swords so they point straight forward and the walls start closing in on you.
"you need to go.." she says weakly with her head held low "your the only one who can stop the Sand Man.your an idiot..but you can stop him, i know it."
"no. it was my idea to came in here, i can't just leave you like this.."
she looks up at you tears streaming down her face and says "you Have to.."and at that she lets go and falls into the darkness below.
"Nooo!"you yell as you grab for her but catch nothing but air."go after her."you say to Lil'C coldly.
"but we don't know where it go's"
"these things almost always drop into some kind of basement dungeon"
"almost always?"
"just go."you say authoritatively
Lil'C realizes the seriousness in you voice and says"ok.but you better be right"he adds as he nonchalantly hops into the hole.
you stand there for a second your mind reeling from what just happened when you once again notice that the walls are moving in on you.
your mind and body kick into overdrive working in perfect synchronous as you let out a staggering yell and go running down the hall jumping and sliding over and under the swords,dodging left and right as trap doors open and rocks fall,the walls steadily closing in.you are almost at the end when a rock falls ahead of you and opens the biggest trapdoor of them all at the end of the hallway.you kick up your speed and try to leap over it...but you miss falling down into the darkness.

... you wake up from the horrible dream involving all the crazy adventure nonsense you seem to remember at the Sandman's Castle.Then you look around...

"OH {censored}!!!"

Your surroundings could easily have been taken from a "B" grade horror flick - the classic torture chamber complete with a rack, an iron maiden, a hanging cage, a wall-mounted "tool" board featuring various and sundry nasty looking pointy instruments (many of which you don't recognize, but you are quite certain you don't even want to know the purposes of), cuffs positioned for hanging a person by the wrists, whips, chains, pokers, a blowtorch!!, and a giant machine that looks suspiciously like the life-sucking machine in "The Pit of Despair" straight out of "The Princess Bride". All in all, not a friendly place to wake up in (on a plain, uncomfortable cot in the corner).

Somehow, you get the feeling that the little adventure in the castle wasn't a dream...

You also come to the conclusion that you definitely wish it had been a dream...

...then all of a sudden Bruce Campbell walks in and says, "shop smart, shop S-mart!"...

he then disappears.you wright it off as a left over affect from your fall and try to find a way out.you look around but see no visible exits so you start to feel your way around the single circler cold,damp stone wall trying to find some hidden passage out when David Duchovny shows up and starts spouting slogans for Dog Food.
you begin to think that this might not be just a head injury,more celebrity's appear selling various products including a Particularly annoying Tobey Maguire selling Head-On.he is so irksome in fact that you take a swing at him but go right through and fall flat on your face in a feeling reminiscent of that tree headed cow back in the purple wheat field.
"Holograms"you mutter to your self as more and more of them appear,the din growing louder and more jumbled every second, the noise becoming unbearable you huddle against the wall trying desperately to block the sound from entering your head with your hands.but just when you think your head might explode from the shear acoustic presser it stops.you open your eyes and see that you are once again alone in the room or at least you think so until you hear a giddy high pitched voice "how did you like it?" you look around but see no one and then you hear it again "up here dummy!" you look up and see a tiny man sitting on a swing suspended by some unseen mechanism cloaked by the fog high up in the stone shaft.he lowers him self so you meet eye to eye "it's a new torture i'm experimenting with, i need to know how it made you feel for research purposes."
you growl angrily and reach out to grab him but his swing quickly zips back up in to the air out of your reach."temper temper" he says jovially as his swing makes lazy circles around the room."why I ought-a bash you silly" you yell up at him as you reach for your Bashlight
and realize that you know longer have your pack.
"looking for This?" the man says as he dangles your pack teasingly from his perch,laughing sadistically.

It's gonna be one of those days. The thought is accompanied by a flash of annoyance. Why do I always get stuck with annoying opponents? Just once, I'd prefer a nice, regular, classic, old school bad guy - not more of this itsy bitsy enemy crud. These little hard-to-hit, laugh-from-the-rafters, taunt-and-tease types just get on my nerves.

"Ah, it looks like your new best friend has arrived," says the little man, looking towards the door. Turning, you see there a man dressed as if of noble blood. His right hand was covered with a black leather glove, but clearly sported six fingers. Even as you recall where you had heard of such a man, and do a double take when the memory surfaces, you have a sinking suspicion that you are not going to enjoy this new friendship very much. Your fears are confirmed and your questions answered when the little man begins to explain the situation:

"Allow me to introduce Baron Tyrone Rugen. Formerly a Count in the service of Prince Humperdink, he was recently revived from his partial-death experience by a miracle pill made by Miracle Max - who, by the by, was not at all cooperative about the whole thing. It took quite a bit of ... persuasion ... to convince him to help." The little man smiles evilly and lets out a sinister chuckle. "Anyway, to make a long story short, I heard about the work of a certain Count Rugen, that of a definitive work on the subject of Pain, and thought he would be a perfect partner, as I am currently working on a definitive work on the subject of Torture. Naturally, the two go perfectly together. I was most upset when I heard that the Count had been killed by a certain Inigo Montoya, but as he had been, for some unknown reason, placed in the palace cooler after his death, rather than buried, his body had not decomposed. I was thus able to take it to Miracle Max's house for inspection, where I learned that he was only mostly dead, and thus a suitable candidate for revival by Miracle Pill. When Count Rugen, after hearing about my efforts and my reasons, and in gratitude for his life, cemented our new partnership by helping me reproduce his life sucking Machine, for which he had kept the blueprint along with his notes in the Pit of Despair. The Machine, being the best torture device I had ever seen, spurred me to bestow a Baronetcy on Rugen, which brings us to the present. Tyrone, would you care to take it from here?"

"Certainly," begins the six fingered Baron. "In case you haven't guessed by now, you are going to be our next research subject..."

All of a sudden, as you are immobilized by some kind of force field, you curse your earlier wish for an old school bad guy. A single, recurring thought spins in your mind: Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it...

"first" the baron says menacingly as he walk toward you "we need to establish your base level of pain resistance.we will start low and work our way up." he licks his finger and sticks it in your ear.
"Wet Willy"he says mockingly "good good,not even a flinch" he then walks behind you "Wedgie!..still no response.looks like we might have some fun with you"the little man in the swing is starts to chuckle.
"lets try this" the Baron says as he walk around and stomps on your foot.you try to scream but are still held by the unknown force."hmm no response at all?something must be wrong here.." the Baron says frustratingly.the little man now bust out laughing and says between laughs "You imbecile!the immobilizing field is still on"
"darn this new technology.i never can figure these things out" the Baron says taking a remote out of his pocket and starts pushing buttons.he must have hit the wrong one because you can move again.

you take advantage of this and punch him square in the face,he falls to the ground and the remote gos flying across the room.he jumps to his feet removing his rapier from its sheath and begins to attack you.you dodge trying to make your way over to the board of torture tools for a weapon but Rugen push you back to the iron maiden.you climb on top of the of the iron maiden and jump to hanging cage swinging over the swordsman's head and land by the "tool" board.

Out of charecter: UGH i try to put my bits of the story so they fit and you blow them away with a BFG 9000, ugh u know wat I CURSE THIS THREAD MUHUHUAHAUHAUHAHU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In charecter: You somehow walk into a dark spot and are eaten by a grue, then quikly turned into mulch them the mulch grows a tree, and (since you are a athiest) cut down, and they print the bible on you. This is no dream or alternate dimension, this is real. You are dead. ( i'm sorry but this thread is cursed and it must be taken out of it's misery, i hate watching threads die, but the bigger they are the harder they fall.)

LOLZ!!!!! says teh evil hamster as he blows your face off with a bazooka, but lil 'C saves you just in time, sacraficing his 3rd ear. He turns to you and says...
(out of charecter: If you shall ahve this thread live the alternate dimension is the only way 2 go, here sayeth the curse.)

And so the character "You" dies... however, Merchant (who is a distinct, separate, and quite living individual) neither knows nor cares. HE (Merchant) is still flinging about in the dungeon, and HIS story will now resume, after the end of that brief - if strange - interlude with this unnamed character "You". By the by, the grammar in that section needs fixing...

{Just goes to show that no bazooka-wielding-hamster is capable of killing my story in such a way that I can't come up with a loophole... . I CAN find a way out of just about anything - my brother just graduated law school, and I had to learn how to argue like a lawyer in self defense a long time ago to deal with him, so I'm VERY good at finding loopholes. Sorry dude, but let's face it - you're outclassed here... take it like a man... er, hamster}

Getting back to Merchant (third person viewpoint) and the main plot line...


The rapier flashes, the swish! of its passing through the air just behind the landing figure of Merchant sounding far too close for Merchant's comfort. Merchant quickly spins to face Rugen, blindly grabbing the first thing off the board that comes to his hand, bringing it up in a defensive posture in front of him, and preparing for the inevitable attack, his full attention on Rugen, watching for telltale signs of where the Baron next intended to strike. About 10 seconds later, Merchant's brain catches up with his excited, high-strung reflexes, and he realizes that Rugen isn't attacking. The Baron is... laughing?

"What's so funny?" Merchant demands.
"Take a look at *laugh* what you're holding *laugh*," the Baron suggests.

Actually looking for the first time at what he is holding out in front of him like a sword, Merchant realizes he is holding what looks like a... fish? Indeed, Merchant finds he is holding a lifelike, metallic fish-on-a-stick. "What the heck is THIS for?!" he asks of the hysterically laughing little man up in the rafters.

Between spurts of hysterical laughter, the little man informs Merchant that he is holding an experimental prototype torture device for individuals with a fear of fish getting into bodily cavities. "It's a strange emerging trend with some of the ladies who like skinny dipping in one of the nearby lakes, where small to medium-sized fish are abundant."

After taking a moment to digest that information, Merchant looks at the little man, looks at his makeshift weapon, and then looks back at the man. "Are you telling me that I'm holding a fish-shaped..."

"Dildo, a nasal insertion device, a belly-button explorer, an anal attacker? Yup, pretty much" replies the little man, still laughing. "To be perfectly honest, it hasn't really been working out the way I had expected..." the little man gets a distant look in his eyes, as if contemplating some difficult puzzle.

"Okay," says Merchant to the brooding brownie [a brownie is a small, mythological little humanoid, often beneficent but sometimes malicious - jut FYI], "you are officially one sick, perverted, deranged little man. And as for you," turning back to the Baron, who is still attempting to regain his composure, "Have at thee!!" With that, Merchant begins to attack...




{As for you, hamster, if you wish to contribute, do so in such a way as makes sense, and doesn't try to kill the thread. Your last post that we objected to was just so totally insane and out of place that it made no sense - that, and the fact is that it was so poorly written in terms of spelling, grammar, and flow as to be fairly unintelligible. No offense dude, but it has to make sense - magic aside. Take a look at erntbucket's contribution. Totally spontaneous, but we found a way to run with it. Your last post was just impossible to understand, much less use. The plot line isn't straight, admittedly, but it has to be a line of some sort. It can't just turn into a total squiggle all of a sudden. The direction can radically change in multiple dimensions, but it has to flow in one way or another - in such a way as to be understood - aka: edit your work before you submit to check for clarity, spelling, grammar, etc. Small mistakes are expected, but if we can't understand it, we can't use it, so we'll probably just ignore it. You're welcome to contribute constructively,but if not, please have the courtesy to leave the thread be for those that wish to continue it. Thanks}